But this? This grief? This grief is unreal. This grief takes it's toll on your body, on your mind, on your spirit...and pretty much everything else.
How do you deal with losing your only sibling after 30 years of always having them? Honestly, I'm still not sure. It's been 5 months today. 5. 5 months. What on Earth...?
There are days where I walk around, and look at people thinking, "you have no idea the hole in my heart. you go on living your life, like everything is fine, while mine fell apart 5 months ago." Of course, those conversations are silent, nothing like I would actually say to people. But hey, you can't really fault me for thinking it.
I've never been more devastated. I honestly wasn't sure how to even go from one day to the next, but the one thing I do know, and as cliche as you might think this sounds, God is faithful! He has been so faithful.
We really believed that Devin was going to be healed. I've never believed something so much in my whole life (other then in Jesus Christ). And then he wasn't. Well, not an Earthly healing at least. I remember sitting on the floor in the emergency room sobbing and saying that God failed us. Yes, moment of weakness, I admit it and am not ashamed. At that time, I felt it, so strongly. How can we believe and have faith, if this is what happens?
But through all of this hurt and pain and stuff, God has shown his loving hand to me. He has guided me and He has brought me into a deeper relationship with Him. My life has forever been altered and changed.
The one thing I won't allow to happen is for this loss to completely overtake me and ruin me. Devin wouldn't want that. However, our enemy absolutely would. I want this valley, this harsh dark valley, to become a testimony. I want to come out stronger, or at least I want to show people God's great and never ending love. I want people to see that life can move forward because we have hope.
Hope is not an ugly four letter word. Hope brings life! There are days that seem so dark and as if they want to overtake me, but God's light just shines a little brighter.
Yeah, it sounds like I have it all together. Well, no, I don't. How often do I sit at my desk at work and cry? How often do I weep in prayer at my bedside, or driving down the road, or at TJ Maxx? It happens, a lot. I'm sad. I'm devastated. I'm heart broken.
But I'm not destroyed. I have hope so much greater than anything I could be provided here on Earth. I get to see my brother again, along with my papa and most importantly, my savior Jesus Christ.
That is hope that nothing and no one can extinguish.
Until then, I will fight this battle everyday with the cross before me as a guide and one day, when my feet leave this ground, I'll be on the OTHER side of grief. I'll be on the other side of everything. I'll be where I'm supposed to be, for all eternity. Until then, I'm on this side of grief, and yeah, it's not a bed of roses.
So if you are struggling, hang in there. Remember to have hope and remember that life moves forward, sometimes slowly and with trials and pain, but get ready...because we have a lot to look forward to.