This Side of Grief // In Honor of Devin

Grief. It's always been one of those words that I've heard others talk about, but I myself, didn't really know. Sure, I have felt grief different times in my life. We had some rough years growing up, I suppose that was a type of grief. I dealt with some personal issues in my 20's, I guess that was a type of grief. My papa passed away a few years ago now, and that was the roughest loss of my life, up until this point. He was a wonderful man, and I look forward to seeing him again. For sure.

But this? This grief? This grief is unreal. This grief takes it's toll on your body, on your mind, on your spirit...and pretty much everything else.

How do you deal with losing your only sibling after 30 years of always having them? Honestly, I'm still not sure. It's been 5 months today. 5. 5 months. What on Earth...?

There are days where I walk around, and look at people thinking, "you have no idea the hole in my heart. you go on living your life, like everything is fine, while mine fell apart 5 months ago." Of course, those conversations are silent, nothing like I would actually say to people. But hey, you can't really fault me for thinking it.

I've never been more devastated. I honestly wasn't sure how to even go from one day to the next, but the one thing I do know, and as cliche as you might think this sounds, God is faithful! He has been so faithful.

We really believed that Devin was going to be healed. I've never believed something so much in my whole life (other then in Jesus Christ). And then he wasn't. Well, not an Earthly healing at least. I remember sitting on the floor in the emergency room sobbing and saying that God failed us. Yes, moment of weakness, I admit it and am not ashamed. At that time, I felt it, so strongly. How can we believe and have faith, if this is what happens?

But through all of this hurt and pain and stuff, God has shown his loving hand to me. He has guided me and He has brought me into a deeper relationship with Him. My life has forever been altered and changed.

The one thing I won't allow to happen is for this loss to completely overtake me and ruin me. Devin wouldn't want that. However, our enemy absolutely would. I want this valley, this harsh dark valley, to become a testimony. I want to come out stronger, or at least I want to show people God's great and never ending love. I want people to see that life can move forward because we have hope.

Hope is not an ugly four letter word. Hope brings life! There are days that seem so dark and as if they want to overtake me, but God's light just shines a little brighter.

Yeah, it sounds like I have it all together. Well, no, I don't. How often do I sit at my desk at work and cry? How often do I weep in prayer at my bedside, or driving down the road, or at TJ Maxx? It happens, a lot. I'm sad. I'm devastated. I'm heart broken.

But I'm not destroyed. I have hope so much greater than anything I could be provided here on Earth. I get to see my brother again, along with my papa and most importantly, my savior Jesus Christ.

That is hope that nothing and no one can extinguish.

Until then, I will fight this battle everyday with the cross before me as a guide and one day, when my feet leave this ground, I'll be on the OTHER side of grief. I'll be on the other side of everything. I'll be where I'm supposed to be, for all eternity. Until then, I'm on this side of grief, and yeah, it's not a bed of roses.

So if you are struggling, hang in there. Remember to have hope and remember that life moves forward, sometimes slowly and with trials and pain, but get ready...because we have a lot to look forward to.

Love, 

Danae

I WEAR ORANGE

I wear orange for my brother. Orange is the support color for Leukemia.

My brother Devin was RE-diagnosed Monday with ALL (acute lymphocytic leukemia) with the Philadelphia chromosome. This is the 3rd time and he has been living without cancer for 20 years now. Do you know how rare it is to relapse with the same type of cancer, especially the type he has? It's unheard of.

Talk about a miracle. And God is going to do it again. There is no doubt. Sure, it's been scary, exhausting, frustrating, infuriating, confusing, mind blowing, stupid, lame, sad, faith depleting, faith enhancing (I could go on and on). Yes, it's basically been a big ball of emotions. But in all actuality, we're not scared of the end result. We're more bummed about the road. The road is the hard part. The chemo, the medicine, the bone marrow tests, the exhaustion. The road sucks. No other way to put it. But we have a God that is unbelievable and we fully trust in Him. This just started, but we're ready for it to be over.

I was tested Monday to see if I could be a potential donor for a BMT (bone marrow transplant), I'll know in 7 days. Of course we pray that it doesn't come to that, but if it does, as a sibling I have a 1 in 4 chance of being a match. Devin doesn't want me to be a match, just because he doesn't want me to have to go through the pain of doing the transplant IF he had to get one. Of course, I'd give my left leg, but we'll see how it goes. According to the Dr's, the BMT is not as painful as it used to be, so, that's somewhat comforting.

Dev and I one week before his diagnosis. He was already feeling pretty bad. 

My new ring. A reminder of the Hope that we have. 

 Due to Devin's lack of insurance right now, any donations to help out with expenses would be unbelievably helpful. If you are able to donate, please check out this link and give what you can. http://devin.verret.cfslive.org/.

Anything you could give would be helpful. Of course, we'll continue to take those prayers too. 

Thank you to everyone who has already given, prayed, called, texted, emailed, stopped by, brought up cupcakes or food, THANK YOU. It really means the world to see how much support we have during this time. 

Thank you all for fighting along with us. In the meantime, find something orange for yourself to wear here.